Andrew says that he is going to have me committed. I don’t know if he is joking with me or if he is serious. He says that if I keep saying crazy things that he will do it. I don’t understand really. I think I might of said a few things about self mutilation last night when we were drinking but I’m not serious about it! From what I can remember I said that I would cut off his balls because he threw a glass of ice cold water on me when I was in the shower. I was only kidding around. But I think I said something else to later on... I can’t remember what it was. Something to do with slicing my wrists, but again I was being dramatic. Just like whenever Andrew has a bad day at work he says "I’m going to shoot my head." It’s not like he would truly do it. But recently I have noticed that we both make suicide comments a lot. Like when ever we fight he says "lets just go and kill ourselves then" and I say "Alright, you do me and then I’ll do you..."

Probably not the best way to deal with our issues but then we end up laughing about it usually. I guess it’s twisted therapy.

He’s probably worried too because we were watching a show on tv and this girl was cutting her self and he said "that’s so fucked up" and I said "hey I used to do it too, I understand it" of course he called me a freak. He never seems to care about my past problems. He thinks I’m mental.

It wasn’t like a recent thing. It was 14 and thought I was in love with this stupid tweaker guy and I used to carve his name into my leg every day after school. I don’t know why really. I just wanted to represent my admiration for him. And a few months after that I would try to cut myself but never had enough guts to cut deep. I was screwed up back then. More so then I am now. I mean now I am normal crazy if that makes any sense. Before I used to see shit and want to die and I hated myself... but I think it was teenage angst. Most my friends were like that too I think. We were all little goth wannabes.

Plus when my dad and I had our problems I just lost it emotionally. I sort of just realized recently why I need a father figure so badly and why once I find one I want another one again. It was like my dad left me when I was 10, that’s about the time I was just starting to feel more grown up and like a woman. I developed very early. And he was out of my life. I saw him once a week, but even then I was competing for his attention from my brother and sister. And he never had that fatherly loving feeling towards me. I always felt like he gave Sarah more love. He didn’t even come to my own wedding, but he went to things for her like cheerleading competitions. Anyways, I don’t know if its because he’s gay or what but he never made enough effort. But I did love him.

And yes I was a very horny kid at that time. I was so curious about things. I wanted to know everything and I wanted attention and acceptance from a man. I felt so out of place at school because I was like the only girl with boobs and I was taller then all the boys. Plus we were the poorest family there and the only ones with divorced parents. I felt so alone a lot. I just wanted a man to like give me a hug when I came home or tell me I was pretty and that I was special. My mom told me all the time but it wasn’t the same.

So when I got out of my private school and started high school there was a whole world all of the sudden of men and boys that wanted me. They told me they loved me, they appreciated me sincerely while we were fucking and I loved that. But then I felt lonely because after the sex it was all over. They would treat me like absolute shit. So I started dating Paul, who was wayyy below my standards but he was so sweet to me and he did love me genuinely. But I abused him. I cheated on him and said very hurtful things all the time. I feel bad because he was a true friend. After we were together for two years he caught me fucking Andrew who was supost to be his best friend. And then it was all over. He hit me and punched me, Andrew beat the shit out of him for hitting me and Andrew and I have been together since then. Andrew was always a friend too. He didn’t even like Paul. He just pretended to be his friend for so long as a means to get to me. I guess it worked...

Me and him go good together. He’s crazy like me, humor wise and we have a lot of the same opinions on things. Only thing I foresaw was the fact that the military would change him so much.

Well that’s all I can say right now... the baby is awake from her nap...