Honesty. That is such a crock of shit. No one is ever honest anymore. Its all about the formalities and the putting on a game face... blah blah blah! I just hate the fact that everyone is buzzing around this place, the world, and pretending to be so damn sincere. Well allow me to be true for one brief moment. Even if I am the only person who knows it or understands it or reads it. Still.

I don’t like loud obnoxious people who go to the fucking store and ride in there motorized shopping cart down the middle of the isle, talking about how they want to get drunk tonight but they are to poor to afford fucking beer. Fat, lazy sons of bitches that need to tell the whole word their problems OUT LOUD! I don’t care to hear you problems laddies and gentlemen! When I go grocery shopping I am not looking to meet strangers who remind me what worthless human beings pollute the earth. Do I have a name tag on me that says "talk to me, I really care about you"? SHIT!

But of course I just ignore all that stuff and move on though the place. It’s the stuff like that makes me want to never leave my house. People drive me up the wall. Everywhere I go its like that. I know its conceited but I feel like im so much better than all these fucks. I guess Im narcissistic. Its not that I feel as a person I am so much more worthy of life, its that I feel like I have more knowledge than these imbeciles. My brain seems to be more alert to the truth of life, what I want and how to survive peacefully... how to co-exist.

Granted I do love some people with such a passion. When you are as picky as me you learn that when you find a another like you, keep them around. I just need to start an organization. The People Haters Club. I would screen quite carefully. Who wants to join? : )

Well I admit I am drunk as I write this, But as you must know; all the great writers were drunkards. I am sad. I just cried because Andrew wont let me suck his cock. Granted it is the middle of the fucken night and he was fast asleep. I just want sex. True fucking. I shouldnt put this in my journal but WTF anyway. Im trashed. I will miss him when he leaves me for a whole year. It will change the whole circumstance. At the moment I am wanting a divorce. God I loath him and his self righteous ways. He thinks he’s so goddamned perfect. Like he is such a good man. Because of the things he has done for me? SHIT! I am pissed! I am mad at him. I love that motherfucker but he is a prick. He doesn’t know me anymore. I am a lost personality to him. I wish he could remember... Or did he ever really know my true self? Was it just a lie? Shit. I know it was. But who wants to recognize their marriage is a scam. Not me. Pretend pretend pretend. I am lost to him. He says im crazy. Whatever. Maybe I am. But I wasn’t always. I used to be a princess. A woman among woman. I was his beauty. He loved me for ME! I was his. Now I have been regarded to his bitch. A piece of meat. ( I before E except after C... )

I can not spell for shit. God did not bless me there.

I am angry. I am mad at the world. For the fucks who rape kids and

 the assholes who steal from the poor to feed the rich. Motherfuckers.

I apologize. I need to cum in the worst way. Forgive me. I am an angry thing tonight. Sex has got the better of me, Father.

Now you see, but you do not know.......

Lets leave it that way.

MY TWIN

All of me

all of you

touch me with those hot gazes

from across the room

feel your power crushing me

manipulating my mind and steeling my soul

branding my heart with your name

scaring and possessing

before words have even escaped our lips

I missed you sooner than I knew you

I cried tears enough to drown villages

Nights I felt your ghost sleeping silently beside my body

with eager cold finger tips

caressing my feverish body

kissing me with uncertain death

preparing me an early grave

You will be the death of me

I hate you for the sickness you put inside of me

so many devilish desires I have for you

sick slick sin

I hear your voice whispering quickly

vulgar wishes, unhealthy thoughts

I would destroy you if I could

but that would be the end for me as well

I love looking at pictures. Pictures of my family, my baby pictures, pictures of beautiful places that I want to travel to, homes that I want to live in, and gorgeous woman that could be a goddesses. I could maybe sit and look at picture books all day long. I can get lost inside a photograph for hours, looking at every little detail. I love black and white for its honesty and integrity. It shows so much truth, capturing subtle emotions in a persons expression or the purity of a simple thing like a rock or shadow. It makes you twist your thinking. We do not see in black and white. In our world there are many colors, it is overwhelming at times. But when you see the nakedness you can see the very being that you are looking at. That’s what I love about pictures. It’s a way to express the beauty that I feel about an object or person in a way that another human can visualize. Say if I take a picture of a child, a person might see that photo and wonder who that child is, and where it was taken, what were the thoughts going though his head. They will be able to answer these questions by looking deeper into the photo and also tapping into their own memories of childhood. It’s a collective knowledge I think.

I love mirrors too. In a similar way, yet the images of a mirror are fleeting. I think I have always been a bit vain. Its not that I think that I am truly so beautiful in a female, typical sort of way. Its more the fact that I enjoy the conformation I get when I look in a mirror... yes I am still here... yes I am still human. I used to sit on the bathroom counter and star deeply into my own eyes. I would stare so hard I would go inside myself. And the whole time I would be thinking... this is the true essence of myself. People; that is every other person in the world besides myself, see the outside me. When I talk or laugh or cry they may feel my emotions and look at me and see me, but really what they are seeing is their own perception of me. Not one person will ever know who I truly am. And I feel sad about this. Because as much as I want to have another soul come into my head and understand me and feel my trueness, I would love to also experience another human in the same light. I know it is just a fact of life. But there is something in me that wants to feel peoples pain and joy just as much as my own. That is what life is, is it not? The pursuit of joy and the privation of pain. Really every little decision that I make it a result of me trying to better myself and cause myself any unnecessary distress.

As much as I suffer at times I always know deeply that I lead a charmed life. I am blessed. Beauty in this word is so abundant. As I write this the trees outside my window are blowing wild in the wind. They seem peaceful and fragile, yet they are being so terribly ravaged. The only thing that holds them all together is their trunk, the core, the center. Like us, like me. We all need a stronghold. I’ve lost mine somehow, that’s why I am falling apart. I want it back... my self confidence, my personality, my individuality. It blew away from me in the wind, and I don’t know how to go about finding it.

I used to think I was special. I used to know it, deep inside me. I could feel my spirt, it made me love others around me and gave me the energy I needed to get though a day. Now I feel ugly inside... sluggish boring, tired, alone, indifferent, strange, worthless, not fit to be a human. I hate it. All my negativity. Its so absolutely insane. I know that my life is not bad at all. It is only what I make of it. But I am a selfish, self centered, self righteous little girl. I think my every need should be catered to. I don’t even know... am I asking to much?? All I want is to be more perfect. And I want true deep understanding love. A lasting bond. I guess I used to find much of what I was looking for inside of myself. I looked in the mirror and knew who I was. I hope I can find that again somehow.

Andrew says that he is going to have me committed. I don’t know if he is joking with me or if he is serious. He says that if I keep saying crazy things that he will do it. I don’t understand really. I think I might of said a few things about self mutilation last night when we were drinking but I’m not serious about it! From what I can remember I said that I would cut off his balls because he threw a glass of ice cold water on me when I was in the shower. I was only kidding around. But I think I said something else to later on... I can’t remember what it was. Something to do with slicing my wrists, but again I was being dramatic. Just like whenever Andrew has a bad day at work he says "I’m going to shoot my head." It’s not like he would truly do it. But recently I have noticed that we both make suicide comments a lot. Like when ever we fight he says "lets just go and kill ourselves then" and I say "Alright, you do me and then I’ll do you..."

Probably not the best way to deal with our issues but then we end up laughing about it usually. I guess it’s twisted therapy.

He’s probably worried too because we were watching a show on tv and this girl was cutting her self and he said "that’s so fucked up" and I said "hey I used to do it too, I understand it" of course he called me a freak. He never seems to care about my past problems. He thinks I’m mental.

It wasn’t like a recent thing. It was 14 and thought I was in love with this stupid tweaker guy and I used to carve his name into my leg every day after school. I don’t know why really. I just wanted to represent my admiration for him. And a few months after that I would try to cut myself but never had enough guts to cut deep. I was screwed up back then. More so then I am now. I mean now I am normal crazy if that makes any sense. Before I used to see shit and want to die and I hated myself... but I think it was teenage angst. Most my friends were like that too I think. We were all little goth wannabes.

Plus when my dad and I had our problems I just lost it emotionally. I sort of just realized recently why I need a father figure so badly and why once I find one I want another one again. It was like my dad left me when I was 10, that’s about the time I was just starting to feel more grown up and like a woman. I developed very early. And he was out of my life. I saw him once a week, but even then I was competing for his attention from my brother and sister. And he never had that fatherly loving feeling towards me. I always felt like he gave Sarah more love. He didn’t even come to my own wedding, but he went to things for her like cheerleading competitions. Anyways, I don’t know if its because he’s gay or what but he never made enough effort. But I did love him.

And yes I was a very horny kid at that time. I was so curious about things. I wanted to know everything and I wanted attention and acceptance from a man. I felt so out of place at school because I was like the only girl with boobs and I was taller then all the boys. Plus we were the poorest family there and the only ones with divorced parents. I felt so alone a lot. I just wanted a man to like give me a hug when I came home or tell me I was pretty and that I was special. My mom told me all the time but it wasn’t the same.

So when I got out of my private school and started high school there was a whole world all of the sudden of men and boys that wanted me. They told me they loved me, they appreciated me sincerely while we were fucking and I loved that. But then I felt lonely because after the sex it was all over. They would treat me like absolute shit. So I started dating Paul, who was wayyy below my standards but he was so sweet to me and he did love me genuinely. But I abused him. I cheated on him and said very hurtful things all the time. I feel bad because he was a true friend. After we were together for two years he caught me fucking Andrew who was supost to be his best friend. And then it was all over. He hit me and punched me, Andrew beat the shit out of him for hitting me and Andrew and I have been together since then. Andrew was always a friend too. He didn’t even like Paul. He just pretended to be his friend for so long as a means to get to me. I guess it worked...

Me and him go good together. He’s crazy like me, humor wise and we have a lot of the same opinions on things. Only thing I foresaw was the fact that the military would change him so much.

Well that’s all I can say right now... the baby is awake from her nap...

I WAS PURPLE

I was formed inside an amethyst
A rich cavern to spin infant dreams
Soft and dark within a treasure soul
I grew sweet childish things

In my fetus garden I planted
Flowers to bloom in my mind
Lilac, lavender, violet
And feasted on sugar plum wine

I was purple for nine months of my life
Living in my chosen color pure
Floating among my cherished desires
Enclosed with a loving cure

When the time did come to part
To flee my royal home
Two eyes saw hues of red, green and gold
Those that they had never known

Covered by an intimidating world
Now colored, freshly dyed
Sometimes I’’m blinded by these tints
I wish to escape and hide

But although you can never return
Into your purple garden serine
Grasp on to the stems that once bloomed,
And capture baby dreams

I love the weather outside. All cloudy and gray. Im all snug inside my small house and happy about it too. A perfect day to relax and get things done.

I haven’t written much lately because I just don’t know what to say i suppose. I feel much happier and when i am there is simply not a ton to say I guess.

I would really love to meet a girl. A pretty one like me. Someone intelligent and funny. I feel like a man saying that. But really it would so nice and I would treat her with such respect and give her so much pleasure. I’m not asking a lot. When I turn 21 I think I will go to a bar to look for one perhaps.

If anyone is reading this, would you please recommend a few good books for me to read? I never know what to start on. Anything will do. Just let me know.

I think I will add a few poems today again because I have had such a hard time of thinking of anything to put in here. See, when Im not depressed I am no good for writing!

Im just gonna start putting my rants from paper on to here ok? (This is from a few years ago I just came across it)

I simply can’t believe that little girl is me. Underneath those dark eyes and undone hair is a real person. It’s me. I am the only one inside. It strikes me as a profound thought. I am the only one who knows what I truly am. I am just coming into my own skin, becoming a human. I feel like I just awoke yesterday into this world. Yet I know too much and it gets me down. I can’t figure out what it is about everybody else that disturbs me. They sometimes scare me or make me feel unspecial or something. When I was with Paul that didn’t happen. I was never alone. He gave me so much attention. I want another boy like that, except I would do things right this time. What is the big hurry though? Its silly to want to be married and all that junk. What am I saying. Its all I want! LAME!!! Why can’t I dream and be real??? That is what is all about for me. It is my dream.... so pinch me. ( age 17 )

That made me laugh now... I got married... and now I wonder why I wanted all this sooo badly!

BODY ICON

Just a picture

merely me

what you see is to easy

fuzzy image

hides inside

simple icon

locked up mind

open up

free the doors

destroy the surface

eat the core

JUSTIFY

Because Im tired, lonely, sad

Because down deep I know I’m bad

Because no one ever loved me quite enough

Because life’s always been so tough

Because I don’t have what I deserve

Because my statements are never heard

Because there’s too much fear inside

Because so many have already died

Because for evil there is no cure

Because there is no such thing as pure

Because all I can believe in is me

Because I only want to be free

Because ignorance is bliss

Because... I can’t go on like this

Pain~

secret life

that plagues

inside out

masked by pale faced children

who’s cries make sounds of adults

no answers

only tears

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a knee scrape

only the surface

tiny loss of me

like hot, burning servants

that served so well

now are on the pavement

now are one in the great circle

forever gone from me

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

try and understand

unhealthy man

your place and time

is no concern of mine

you pick and fumble

cause chaos and trouble

wasting your hours

abusing your power

give it away

forget it today

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peach was a young one

young and carefree

like the sun

never bothered with growing up

held tightly to the tree

and blossomed quickly

until she fell from grace

hit her pretty face

all mushed up and rotten

laying wounded on the ground

ripening juices running free

a sore whore

now a game to play forever more

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why be such a darling?

Chained to the bed post like a helpless raped animal...

... to be used up and awful,

so wonderfully abused and tortured

looking sweet and innocent

violated

the hot beauty in bed

insecure

a child with a grown body

to be threatened constantly

with straight up knives of harm

pierced

hard and sharp....

yet Im a girl still

"Im really fine"

I say

Well things are looking up for me it seems. I spoke to my husband, Andrew, and we are starting to figure our shit out I guess.

We have realized that we are having problems because of certain habits that we have each individually fallen into. I have an attitude with him most often because I feel like his mother. I take care of him like he is a little boy. And then I feel angry because I don’t feel like I have a partner. I told him I want him to take more initiative with me. Tell me what is expected. I have no one to tell me what to do, I need to be parented by him a bit. I think we had a really great talk. It started out rocky but it improved and then we went and had wonderful sex.

We tried out the roll playing thing. I pretended to be his niece, my idea. He told me after that it wasn’t so great for him and that he loses interest after foreplay. I liked it. But of course I’m always the one who likes to "play" in bed.

We have been toying with the idea of swinging. I am so curious to try it but Andrew is more reserved. That’s ok with me. I would never push him into trying something that he wasn’t comfortable with. He couldn’t deal with seeing me get fucked by another man. Jealousy and all that. I think I would enjoy it but only if I knew he loved it too. He says so far what we have done is enough for him, seeing me with girls is his favorite.

For me, I just think it is way to hard to meet a nice, well rounded girl who is single. All the good woman are attached to a guy. Single woman are looking for a relationship. I would even be willing to be intimate in a relationship if I found the right girl. If Andrew loved her too and she was our soul mate then yeah, I would be astatic. But that is a pipe dream I have decided.

And besides, three is a crowd, right?

I have made a decision to quit smoking and to only drink on the weekends. I started to exercise too and hope I can lose all the baby weight by the end of the year possibly. That would rock.

I’m sick of the person I have become. So lazy and mopey all the time. I look forward to starting fresh.

I knew I would do it. I drank way to fucking much and puked all over the place. Thank God my husband is such an angel. He really helped me out. Cleaned up the whole mess and made sure I got out of my nasty ass clothes.

I feel like shit still. Even though I got all of the stuff out of my stomach I just feel terrible. Oh well. I never learn my lesson. I hope I have the power to stay sober tonight.